The Fat Girl Inside Me

When I was over two hundred and fifty pounds, I used to say, "I am skinny on the inside...." and it was true.  I always felt as if my "real self" was trapped inside of my obese body.  I felt as though I walked through my life, peering out of this shell that didn't match the real me.  I cared as much, if not more, how I looked as all of the skinny, beautiful women.  I never left the house without make up on or without my hair done. I took care of myself. When I went out to dinner with my husband, I wanted to be glamorous and beautiful.  I hoped that people would notice me when I walked into a crowded room.  I believed and would tell myself, "If I could just get this weight off, I could be the woman I have always wanted to be..."

Imagine how surprised I was, after losing over a hundred pounds, when I realized that I still felt the same way!  Only now, I was that fat girl, looking out the window of a smaller, more acceptable body.  I still wanted all of the same things, to be beautiful and glamorous, to be noticed and accepted.  Sure, people notice me now, I am no longer invisible (you plus size girls know what I mean).  I have actually been shocked at the difference in how I get treated in public, the way people acknowledge my presence.  However, the important thing is that the way I felt about myself hadn't changed.  I still felt this need to be more, less, better, just different than what I was, somehow.  I went from feeling like, "If I could just get this weight off..." to "If I could just change {insert any one thing on any given day}, I could be the woman I want to be...."

One day, I was looking at my self in the mirror and Jason walked by.  He asked me, "Why are you looking at yourself like that?"  "Like what?" "Like you are still unhappy with yourself.  You are so beautiful.  You always have been, you always will be...and that has nothing to do with your body."   That statement from my husband, started a change in my heart.  God used those words to start a real transformation in me, the real me, not by shell.

I came to realize that I was never a skinny girl in a fat body and I am not now, a fat girl in a skinny body.  I am just me.  God began a new work in me, changing the inside as drastically as my outside has changed over the past year.

All of these years, I had it all wrong.  I believed that being pretty could change my life.  So, I, as many women do, picked at my skin, criticized my features and used all of that as an excuse not to change the part of me that mattered, really mattered.  Sure, I was a "good" person, I thought.  However, when the weight was gone (and I couldn't use that as an excuse anymore), I had to face the fact that what I saw was ugly and that had nothing to do with what I could see.  I was angry.  I was unforgiving, judgmental and self-righteous.  I didn't love people like I should or hate sin like Christ does.  That is what was making me ugly.  Being fat was just a distraction, something the enemy was using to divert my attention and keep me in bondage.  As long as I was focusing on what was wrong with the way I looked, I wasn't examining my heart, motives or personality.  

You hear people say, "Beauty is only skin deep...."  Friends, that is the problem itself.  We, as a culture, focus so much on "skin deep" beauty that we entirely miss the point.  Real beauty goes to the bone, though the soul and falls out of you without restraint.  

Maybe you aren't fat.  Maybe your breast are smaller than you would like, or your nose is crooked.  Perhaps you have a belly or think you are too skinny.     Maybe your hair is stringy or thinner than would like it to be.  Let me encourage you to let go of all of that, just long enough to allow God to change you on the inside.  

Allow Him to heal you, help you trust again, change you at your core.  Allow godliness to grow inside of you and kindness and love to go before you every where you go.  That is what beauty is.  When you are beautiful on the inside you will see your outside differently, perhaps more accurately to the wonderful creation God made when He designed YOU. 

Today, I am still not the woman I wish to be.  I have more growing and changing to do.  However, today, my prayer is, "God if You will keep changing my heart, I will become the woman You want me to be..."  Today I feel more beautiful than I ever have before and it has nothing to do with the way I look.   That is a happiness and contentment that can only come from God and I am grateful. 

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

    you formed me in my mother’s womb.

I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!

    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

    I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

    you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

    before I’d even lived one day."

Psalm 139:13-16, The Message

Canning 101: Tomatoes

Canning tomatoes- once you do it, you will never want to buy grocery store tomatoes again!

Let's get started.

You need to start off by having all of your jars sterilized and ready.  You can do this by running them though your dishwasher and heat drying them or you can boil the jars for 10 minutes.  Once you have done this, set them to the side.

Preperation: 

Grab your water bath canner and another large pot and and a small, non reactive pot for your lids and rings and fill them all with water.  The canning pot and the large pot should be covered and brought to a boil (this takes a long time, so just continue to prep while your water heats).  The small pot, you want to have heated just before boiling.   Fill your sink (preferably one with a garbage disposal) up with cold water.

Score all of your tomatoes by cutting an X shape in the tops of them.

I separate the tomatoes into small batches before I take them over the the large pot of boiling water. 

Place tomatoes in large pot of boiling water for about a minute.  This will cause the skin to pull away from the tomato, making your job TONS easier! 

 Once you see the skin start to curl up and pull away (as shown below), remove them from the water and place them in the sink full of cold water.   Repeat this until all your tomatoes are ready to be pealed and cut. 

The hot water starts loosening the skin.

Placing them in cold water will help the skin fall right off!

Once you have the tomatoes in the cold water, it is time to start peeling them and cutting away anything you don't want to eat.   Once all of the skin is removed, any bruises, spots, stems, yellow, white or green spots, should be cut off.

Cut out the core.

Remove and discard the core.

This is what it will look like after you peel them and clean them up.

Once you get to this point you are fully aware of how much working canning is!  It is so rewarding, though, so keep going! 

Canning:

Because your jars are already sterilized and set to the side, it's time to get going.  Put your lids and rings in the small pot on almost boiling water.

You can jar your tomatoes whole or cut into peices, whichever you prefer. 

Use a funnel to put the tomatoes in the jars tightly.  

Add one teaspoon of course kosher salt to each jar.  

Use your spatula to remove air and fill with excess tomato juice up to 1/2 inch head space.   Wipe the rims clean with a damp paper towel or cloth and let dry. 

You now ready to add the hot lids and rings to your jars.  Be carful not to burn yourself.  Add one lid and ring to each jar and tighten.  

Place jars into water bath (that should be boiling by now).  Return to a boil. Once boiling again, set your timer to 45 minutes.  Remove after 45 minutes and set on a towel to cool.   You have just canned!  Allow your cans to cool for 12 to 24 hours before you move them.

Repurposing a Chest of Drawers

It's no secret that they don't make furniture like they used to!  A chest of drawers is one of those peices that, once you have a nice one, you don't ever want to let it go!  But, sometimes your child takes a sharp object to the finish, uses the drawers as steps and breaks one, or maybe your taste just change.  So, what do you do with it?  NEVER throw them away!  There are so many creative possibilies!  Show below are a few ways to make great peices for your home, using what you have (or you can buy cheaply at a yard sale)! 

Bathroom Vanity

Kitchen Storage

Bench

Refinish with Mod-Podge & a Poster

Wall Display

Container Garden

Entry Table- Just add Legs!

Child's Armoire

Decorating with Burlap

Apartment Therapy

Burlap: [bur-lap] -a plain-woven, coarse fabric of jute, hemp, or the like; gunny.

"The strength of burlap is renowned, as it is hard to tear and can stand up to great pressure. Burlap is extremely weather resistant and can be dried over and over again after becoming moist. It is also available in many widths, weights and forms. Burlap is able to be colored, sewn, treated to protect against rotting and even laminated."

Read more from eHow: History of Burlap

Farm House Style Kitchen from HGTV

Burlap has gotten really popular in recent months in decorating home interiors.  Not only does it provide great texture and depth to a space, but it gives off a warm and comfortable vibe as well.  Burlap is versitile, too.  You can use it to make a space feel rustic like a barn or luxurious, yet comfortable, as in a French Laundry style.

French Laundry Style from Houzz

I started decorating with burlap by purchasing 96" burlap panels with a ruffle detail for my foyer and living room.  Maddie, my seven year old daughter, promptly told me, "that looks like barn fabric!"  Exactly!  That is why I wanted it!  It has always been my dream to live on a farm.  So, I decided, until that day comes, I will just pretend by  Decorating in a "farmhouse" style.  :)

Anyone that knows me, knows I don't pay full price for anything!  Because of that, sometimes it takes me a little while to have my rooms complete.  However, these panels were a wonderful start! Bargain hunting is part of the fun, anyway! --Right?!

And that's the most beautiufl part of decorating with burlap! Burlap is very inexpensive. So, if you can sew or are crafty, you can make your decor for a fraction of what it would cost with other fabrics. Burlap, even in colors, can be purchased for a few dollars a yard! Beautiful and cheap-- you can't beat that!

Below are some beautiful examples of decorating with burlap:



Ballard Designs



Ballard Designs

Cute Pink Stuff

TheKitchn.com

 



Ballard Designs

 



Month Four: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly.

When you do something as drastic as having a gastric bypass, there are always risks.  You hear everyone's horror stories and hope that you are making the right decision.  With any major life decision, there are good, bad things that result from our choices. 


People ask me, all the time, "are you glad you did it, " or, "would you do it again?"  The answer to both of those questions is an overwhelming, "YES!"


The Good


Today, I had my 4 month (post surgery) check in with Weight Loss Services at Spartanburg Regional.  It's official, I have lost 75 pounds!  My second goal is met & that is a great feeling!  They also measured me and I have now lost 10 inches off my waist. 


The Bad


The weight loss has gotten slower these past few weeks, thankfully I haven't gained an ounce.  I attribute it mostly to my new job where I sit on my behind all day long!  (Side note:  I might invest in an large exercise ball to sit on at my desk!) Nonetheless, I have a plan.  When money is a little better, I am going to join Trinity Health & Fitness, which is where my friend Christiane goes.  (Another side note, she has lost 140 pounds!-- she inspires me!).  In the meantime, I am going to start getting in my Aunt June's pool 3 to 4 days a week after work.  Not only is the pool good exercise, but it will be great on my ailing hip bones that seem to have turned against me.  


The Ugly


The one thing that gastric bypass patients are always concerned about is losing our hair.  When you drastically limit your food intake, you are also reducing your intake of things that your body really needs.  Like protein, vitamins and minerals.  Taking supplements is just an everyday part of life after bypass.  I knew I wasn't getting enough protein.  However, I have never been a big meat eater.  I just don't care for it much.  So, when my hair starting falling out in, what seemed to be, handfuls in the shower, it really freaked me out.  Don't get me wrong, any of you probably wouldn't even notice.  But, I do!  My sweet husband even pointed out the "birds nest" of hair in the bathroom.  So this week, Aunt June, cut some layers in my hair to make it look fuller, and now, you really can't tell at all.  Thank God!   When I was at the doctor today, we discussed it.  Thankfully, I was told that the amount I have lost is normal for my post op time.  I was assured that if I keep my protein intake up, it won't get any worse.  So, just to be safe, I purchased high protein shakes to compensate for my lack of meat consumption.  Who wants to be thin if you have to be bald, right? :) 


And speaking of ugly, let's leave the loose skin issue for another day!  


Love to you all.

On Magic Mike & Christian Accountability

It seems that everyone, mostly Christians, have an opinion on Magic Mike, particularly when it relates to the subject of Christian accountability.  Although, the Internet, especially Facebook, has become a platform for opinion and conjecture,  I haven't, until now, weighed in on this particular topic.  It seems there are two schools of thought. First, there is the group that believes there is nothing wrong with Christian (women in this case) seeing movies with strippers and rated "R" material, it's entertainment only.  One the other hand, you have those (again mostly Christian women) who are flabbergasted that any Christian women would watch such and believe that it is a sign of poor virtue and complete worldliness.  Lastly, you have women from both groups that feel so strongly about their position (regardless of which side they choose) that are very public about justifying their own choice or belief, even some going as far as calling out other women, some in love, some not.  

I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle of all of this.   I think scripture can speak for itself, so let's look at a few about holiness and purity, to start.

 "I will set no unclean thing before my eyes.", Psalm 101:3, and Philippians 4:7, 8 "Keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus... Whatsoever things are pure... if there be any virtue... think on these things."

A couple of examples here that I have seen used in reference to this topic.  I think scripture is really clear about what it's saying here.  

It seems to me the question then changes from "Should I watch Magic Mike?"  and becomes more of a question of whether you feel that the material is impure, unclean or lacking in virtue.   I don't believe that those questions we can answer for one another, but only ourselves.


A friend posted this on Facebook:  

 "This is not aimed towards anyone specifically, but I have to say I am VERY disappointed in how many Christian ladies that I know that are either reading 50 Shades of Gray or going to see Magic Mike. Ladies where are your Godly standards? Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean its OK for you to do it. Just ask yourself as you read the book or watch the movie is this something God would approve of if He were right beside me, does this honor God in any way?. Please reconsider your actions because you may be the only Jesus people see! OK I am stepping off of my soap box, just had to get that off of my chest!" M.R. 

Another said this: 

"Concerning Magic Mike and 50 Shades...it seems to me the only important player in the equation is your spouse. No need to hold everyone you know (and don't know) accountable for things they never asked you to hold them accountable for :)" M.B.

In a way, I completely agree with both of them!  Like I said, I am some where in the middle on this.  

Finally, someone else posted this: 

 "I have never done this before, but since everyone else is allowed to express their opinion, I have the right to express mine as well! I am so tired of seeing people post things about Magic Mike and how sinful it is! If we are going to judge others for going to see a movie, then all of us need to take a long hard look in the mirror! I went to see magic mike last night and thought is was very entertaining! I am just thankful that God's judgment is the only judgment that matters. Every sin is the same in the eyes of God, whether it be having an affair, having a baby out of wedlock, cheating, stealing, or in this case, going to see Magic Mike!!!!!!

Judge, not that ye be not judged. For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

Matthew 7: 1,2 KJV" AL

Again, another quote with really great points! 


So, here are my thoughts. :)  

For me, I choose NOT to watch Magic Mike or read books like 50 Shades of Gray because I have a personal conviction from God about things like that.  I am very careful about what I listen to, watch and read and I feel like this is important for me in my walk with God.  I don't drink either.  Do I believe drinking is wrong or sinful?  No.  However, it is something that God put on MY heart, so I choose to honor Him in that way. 

That being said, I think it is very important for Christians not to play the Holy Spirit in peoples lives.  It is not our jobs to decide what is sin for someone else or to convict people of sin. Just because the Spirit has spoken something to us personally, doesn't make it our job to make others live up to that standard.  The Holy Spirit really doesn't need our help.  :)

I love Jesus.  I am a Christ follower.  But, you know what.... I have tattoos.  I cut my hair.  I wear makeup.  I wear pants and paint my toenails.  ALL of those things are on some peoples spiritual "no no" list.  But, you know what?  I live by what God tells ME and what I feel to be right and honoring to God in my own heart and life. 

I really want to encourage all you Christians out there to be careful not to judge others.  We ALL have something in our life that displeases Jesus.  Let's be like Jesus and show grace and mercy to others and let God handle His own business. :)

P.S.-- Regarding Facebook, keep speaking your convictions and heart!  It makes us all think and come to terms with what we personally believe ourselves and I love that. :) SJ

    ^"The plans of the mind and orderly thinking belong to man, but from the Lord comes the [wise] answer of the tongue.

    All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits (the thoughts and intents of the heart).

   Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed." 

Proverbs 16: 1-3 (Amplified)

Three Months Later- 68 Pounds Down!

 

Today it has been three months and eight days since surgery.  I am down 68 pounds and have dropped 4 sizes in pants!  I finally feel pretty good most of the time.  Perfect, minus my hips still adjusting to my new weight and I still have an ulcer that seems to not want to heal.  Otherwise, though, having surgery was a great decision and I am so glad that I did it.

I start a new job on Monday in Downtown Greenville.  I have to pay to park everyday, which is new for me.  So, today I booked a spot 4 blocks from my office building and (I think) I am looking forward to the walk twice a day- except when it's raining or snowing, of course.

I am still waiting to see Dr. Murdock about my blood pressure meds.  Because I have lost so much weight, it is really time to adjust them.  I have been afraid to work out because sometimes I get really light headed and dizzy when I move too much.  Really looking forward to seeing him and getting that taken care of. :)

I went though my work clothes and had to get rid of 20 pairs of pants that were too big.  I am now in the smallest clothes that I own (mostly 14's), which is a good feeling.  I even tried my wedding gown on this week and it is also too big.  I am smaller now that I was before Jason and I got married!  I still have a ways to go, but I will get there. :)